HaMLeT - Act III Scene 1
Act III
Scene 1
SETTING: Main hall
(trumpets play)
(CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, ROSENCRANTZ, and GUILDENSTERN enter)
CLAUDIUS
Welcome, Rosencrantz, and Guildenstern. We need your help right away. You’ve heard about the “change” that’s come over our Hamlet, that’s the only word for it, since inside and out he’s different from what he was before. Maybe his father’s death. Since you both grew up with him and are familiar with his personality and behaviors, I’m asking you to stay awhile and spend some time with him. See if you can get Hamlet to have some fun, and find out what’s bothering him, so we can set about trying to fix it.
GERTRUDE
Gentlemen, there are no two men alive he’s fonder of. If you’ll be so good as to spend some time with him and help us, you’ll be thanked on a royal scale.
ROSENCRANTZ
You could have ordered us to execute your command, Your Highness, instead of asking us so politely.
GUILDENSTERN
But of course, we’ll obey. Our services are entirely at your command.
CLAUDIUS
Thank you, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
GERTRUDE
Please pay a visit right away, my son has already changed too much.
GUILDENSTERN
I hope to God we can make him happy.
GERTRUDE
Amen to that!
(ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN exit)
(POLONIUS enters)
POLONIUS
The ambassadors are back from Norway, sir.
CLAUDIUS
Once again you bring good news.
POLONIUS
Do I, Your Majesty? I assure you I’m only doing my duty to God and good king. And I believe—unless this brain of mine is not so politically cunning as it used to be—that I’ve found out why Hamlet’s gone crazy.
CLAUDIUS
Did you hear that Gertrude? He says he’s found out the reason for our son’s insanity.
GERTRUDE
I doubt it’s anything but the obvious reason: his father’s death and our quick marriage.
CLAUDIUS
Well, we’ll get to the bottom of it.
POLONIUS
Since the essence of wisdom is not talking too much, I’ll get right to the point. Your son is crazy. “Crazy” I’m calling it, since how can you say what craziness is except to say that it’s craziness? But that’s another story.
GERTRUDE
Please, stick to the point.
POLONIUS
It’s true he’s crazy, and a shame it’s true—but now I sound foolish, so I’ll get right to the point. If we agree Hamlet’s crazy, then the next step is to figure out the cause of this effect, or, I should say the cause of this defect since this defective effect is caused by something. This is what we must do, and that’s exactly what needs to be done. Think about it. I have a daughter(I have her until she gets married)who’s given me this letter, considering it her duty. Listen and think about this:
(reads letter)
“To the heavenly idol of my soul, the most beautified
Ophelia”—
By the way, “beautified” sounds bad, it sounds awful, it sounds crude, it’s a terrible use of the word. But I’ll go on:
“In her excellent white blossom,”
et cetera, et cetera—you don’t need to hear all this stuff…
GERTRUDE
Hamlet wrote this to Ophelia?
POLONIUS
Madam, please be patient. I’ll read it to you.
(reads letter)
“You may wonder if the stars are fire,
You may wonder if the sun moves across the sky,
You may wonder if the truth is a liar,
But never wonder if I love”.
Oh, Ophelia, I’m bad at poetry. I can’t put my feelings into verse, but please believe I love you best of all. Believe it.
Yours forever, my dearest one,
as long as I live—still chugging along,
Hamlet.”
Dutifully and obediently my daughter showed me this letter, and more like it. She’s told me all about how Hamlet has been courting her—all the details of where, and what he said, and when.
CLAUDIUS
And how did she react to all this?
POLONIUS
Sire, what is your opinion of me?
CLAUDIUS
I know you to be loyal and honorable.
POLONIUS
I would like to prove to you that I am. My good queen, what would you have thought of me if I had turned a blind eye to what was happening between Hamlet and my daughter(which I noticed before she said anything)? No, I had to do something. And so I said to my daughter, “Lord Hamlet is a prince, he’s out of your league. You have to end this.” And then I gave her orders to stay away from him, and not to accept any messages or little gifts. She did what I said. When she rejected Hamlet, he became sad, and stopped eating, stopped sleeping, got weak, got dizzy, and as a result lost his mind. And that’s why he’s crazy now.
CLAUDIUS
(to GERTRUDE)
Do you think that’s why Hamlet’s crazy?
GERTRUDE
It certainly may be.
POLONIUS
Has there ever been a time—I’d really like to know—when I’ve definitely said something was true, and it turned out not to be?
CLAUDIUS
Not that I know of.
POLONIUS
(pointing to his head and shoulders)
Chop my head off if I’m wrong. I’ll follow the clues and uncover the truth, even if it’s at the very center of the earth.
CLAUDIUS
What can we do to find out if it’s true?
POLONIUS
He walks here in the lobby for four hours at a time, correct?
GERTRUDE
Yes, he does.
POLONIUS
When he’s here, I’ll send my daughter to see him.
(to CLAUDIUS)
You and I will hide behind the arras to watch what happens. If it turns out that Hamlet’s not in love after all, I’ll go work on a farm.
CLAUDIUS
We’ll try what you suggest.
(HAMLET enters reading a book)
GERTRUDE
Look how sadly he’s reading his book.
POLONIUS
Please go, I’ll speak to him now. Oh, please let me.
(CLAUDIUS and GERTRUDE exit)
Lord Hamlet, how are you?
HAMLET
Fine, thank you.
POLONIUS
Do you know who I am?
HAMLET
Of course. You sell fish.
POLONIUS
No, not me, sir.
HAMLET
In that case I wish you were as good a man as a fish seller.
POLONIUS
Sir?
HAMLET
Yes, sir. Only one man in ten thousand is good in this world.
POLONIUS
That’s definitely true, my lord.
HAMLET
For if the sun breeds maggots in a dead dog, kissing the corpse—by the way, do you have a daughter?
POLONIUS
I do indeed, lord Hamlet.
HAMLET
Then by all means never let her walk, in public. Procreation is a good thing, but if your daughter gets pregnant…look out, old friend.
POLONIUS
(to himself)
What does he mean by that? Still talking about my daughter but mistook me for a fish seller. He might be far gone, but when I was young I went crazy for love too, almost as bad as this. I’ll talk to him again.—
What are you reading, Your Highness?
HAMLET
A lot of words.
POLONIUS
And what is the subject?
HAMLET
Between whom?
POLONIUS
I mean, what do the words say?
HAMLET
Oh, just lies, sir. The sly writer says here that old men have gray beards, their faces are wrinkled, their eyes full of gunk, and that they have no wisdom and weak thighs. Of course, I believe it all, but I don’t think it’s good manners to write it down, since you yourself, sir, would grow as old as I am if you could only travel backwards like a crab.
POLONIUS
(to himself)
There’s a method to his madness.-
Will you step outside, my lord?
HAMLET
Into my grave.
POLONIUS
Well that’s certainly out of this world all right.
(to himself)
His answers are so full of meaning sometimes! He has a way with words, as crazy people often do, and that sane people lack the talent for. I’ll leave him now and arrange a meeting between him and my daughter.-
My lord, I’ll take my leave of you now.
HAMLET
You can’t take anything from me that I care less about-except my life,
except my life,
except my life.
POLONIUS
Good-bye, my lord.
(POLONIUS exits)
(END OF SCENE)
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