Act IV
Scene 1
SETTING: A stage
(HAMLET and FIRST PLAYER enter)
HAMLET
Perform the speech just as I taught you, musically and smoothly. If you exaggerate the words the way some actors do, I might as well have some newscaster read the lines. Don’t use too many hand gestures; just do a few, gently, like this. When you get into a whirlwind of passion on stage, remember to keep the emotion moderate and smooth. I hate it when I hear a blustery actor in a wig tear a passion to shreds, bursting everyone’s eardrums so as to impress the audience on the lower levels of the playhouse, who for the most part can only appreciate loud noises and pantomime shows. I would whip a guy for making a tyrant sound too tyrannical. That’s as bad as those old plays in which King Herod ranted. Please don’t do that.
FIRST PLAYER
Yes, my lord.
HAMLET
But don’t be too tame either, let your good sense guide you. Fit the action to the word and the word to the action. Act natural at all costs. Exaggeration has no place in the theater, where the purpose is to represent reality, holding a mirror up to virtue, to vice, and to the spirit of the times. If you handle this badly, it just makes ignorant people laugh while regular theater-goers are miserable—and they’re the ones you should be keeping happy. I’ve seen actors who are highly praised, but who—not to be too rude here—can’t even talk or walk like human beings. They bellow and strut about like weird animals that were made to look like men, but very badly.
FIRST PLAYER
I hope we’ve corrected that fault in our company, my lord.
HAMLET
Oh, correct it completely. Make sure that the clowns do not ad-lib, since dumb audience members laugh mindlessly at them, while an important issue in the play needs to be addressed. It’s bad behavior for an actor, anyway, and displays a pitiful ambition to hog the limelight on stage.
(FIRST PLAYER exits)
For you know this well enough,
that your courage is irresistible,
unless you hurt yourselves by acting rashly.
(POLONIUS, GUILDENSTERN, and ROSENCRANTZ enter)
So, my lords, will the king be attending the performance?
POLONIUS
Yes, Lord Hamlet, both he, and the queen.
HAMLET
Wunderbar! Tell the actors to hurry.
(POLONIUS exits)
(to ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN)
Help them get ready.
ROSENCRANTZ, GUILDENSTERN
(they bow)
Yes, my lord.
(ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN exit)
HAMLET
Well, hallo there, Horatio!
(HORATIO enters)
HORATIO
I am here at your service, my dear lord.
HAMLET
Horatio, you’re the best man I’ve ever known.
HORATIO
Oh, sir—
HAMLET
Don’t think I’m flattering you. What could I hope to get from you, who’ve got nothing but your charm to support you in life? Why would anyone flatter a poor person? No, keep flattery for kissing the hands of those who can pay well. Do you understand? Ever since I’ve been a free agent in my choice of friends, I’ve chosen you because you take everything life hands you with calm acceptance, grateful for both good and bad. Blessed are those who mix emotion with reason in just the right proportion, making them strong enough to resist the whims of Lady Luck. Show me the person who’s master of his emotions, and I’ll put him close to my heart—in my heart of hearts—as I do you. But I’m talking too much. The point is, there’s a play being performed for the king tonight. One of the scenes comes very close to depicting the circumstances of my father’s death, as I described them to you. Watch my uncle carefully when that scene begins. If his guilty secret does not reveal itself, then that ghost was just a devil, and my hunch wasn’t, in fact, worth anything. Watch him closely. I’ll stare too, and afterwards we’ll compare notes.
HORATIO
My lord, I won’t miss a trick.
(trumpets play)
(CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, POLONIUS, OPHELIA, ROSENCRANTZ, and
GUILDENSTERN enter with other attendants)
HAMLET
They’re coming. I can’t talk now. Take your seat.
CLAUDIUS
How’s my nephew Hamlet doing?
HAMLET
So wonderful a sun! I eat the air, like chameleons do. I eat so much of it, actually.
CLAUDIUS
I have no idea what you’re talking about, Hamlet. You’re not answering my question.
HAMLET
Mine, neither.
(to POLONIUS)
You performed in amateur dramatic productions in college, right?
POLONIUS
Indeed, I did, my lord. I was considered to be quite a good actor.
HAMLET
What role did you play?
POLONIUS
I played Julius Caesar. The senate held court on the steps of Pompey.
HAMLET
How theatrical of them to kill so capital a calf there.-Are the actors ready?
ROSENCRANTZ
Yes, my lord. They’re ready whenever you are.
GERTRUDE
Come here, my dear Hamlet. Sit by me.
HAMLET
No thanks, my good mother.
(to himself)
The piece of work is right in front of me.
(he sits next to OPHELIA)
POLONIUS
(to CLAUDIUS)
Hey, did you notice that?
HAMLET
My lady, shall I lie in your lap?
OPHELIA
No, my lord.
HAMLET
I mean, with my head in your lap.
OPHELIA
Yes, my lord.
HAMLET
Did you think I was talking about sex?
OPHELIA
I think nothing, my lord.
HAMLET
That’s a nice thought, to lie between a girl’s legs.
OPHELIA
You’re in a good mood tonight, my lord.
HAMLET
Who, me?
OPHELIA
Yes.
HAMLET
Oh God—who is, by the way, the best comic of them all. What can you do but be happy? Look how cheerful my mother is, only two hours after my father’s death.
OPHELIA
My lord, it’s been four months.
HAMLET
That long? Well, in that case, these mourning clothes can go to hell. I’ll get myself a fur-trimmed suit. Good heavens, he died two months ago and hasn’t been forgotten yet? Usually have to build churches for that to happen, or else you’ll be forgotten, like the hobby-horse in the popular song that goes, “Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, the hobby-horse is forgotten.”
(trumpets play)
(a pantomime show begins)
(PLAYER LUCIANUS enters)
(whispers to OPHELIA)
This is Lucianus, the king's nephew in the play.
PLAYER LUCIANUS
Evil thoughts, ready hands, and the right poison. The dark night is on my side, for no one can see me. The deadly mixture of weeds and plants, which Hecate, Goddess of Witchcraft, has put a spell on, use your magic to steal this person’s life away.
(PLAYER LUCIANUS exits)
OPHELIA
What does this mean, my lord?
HAMLET
It means, we’re having some mischievous fun.
PROLOGUE
(from offstage coughs to indicate the play is beginning)
(the PROLOGUE enters)
HAMLET
This guy will tell us everything. Actors can’t keep a secret.
OPHELIA
Hopefully, he can tell us what that pantomime meant.
PROLOGUE
We beg you most courteously
To be patient with us
And watch our humble tragedy.
(the PROLOGUE exits)
HAMLET
Was that the prologue or the inscription on some wedding ring?
OPHELIA
It was a bit short, my lord.
HAMLET
As short as a woman’s love?
(PLAYER KING and PLAYER QUEEN enter)
PLAYER KING
It’s been thirty years since we have married.
PLAYER QUEEN
I hope we stay in love for thirty more years! But I’m sad. You’ve been so gloomy lately, and I worry something is wrong. Love and fear go hand in hand. You know how much I love you, and my fear is just as deep. When someone’s love is great, the little worries become very big. So when you see someone who worries a lot about little things, you know they’re really in love.
PLAYER KING
My queen, I will have to leave you soon. My body is growing weak, and I will leave you behind in this beautiful world, honored and much loved. Perhaps you’ll find another husband—
PLAYER QUEEN
Oh, damn everyone else! Remarrying would be treason to my heart. Curse me if I take a second husband. When a woman takes a second husband, it’s because she’s killed off the first.
HAMLET
(to himself)
Harsh!
PLAYER QUEEN
Someone might marry a second time for money, but never for love. Anytime I kissed my second husband in bed, I’d have killed the first one all over again.
PLAYER KING
That’s what you think now, but people change their minds, my love. Often our intentions are strong, but as time goes on, they weaken, like a sour apple sticks to the tree but falls to the ground once it ripens. The promises we make to ourselves in emotional moments lose their power when the emotion passes. Grief and joy may rouse us to action, but when they have passed, we’re no longer motivated to act. Joy turns to grief and grief becomes joy just as quickly. This world is not made for either one to last long, it’s no surprise that our loves change along with our luck. Love is unreliable. A person with money will always have friends, while the fallen man makes an enemy of any friend he turns to for money. But back to my original point—what we want and what we get are always at odds. We can have our little dreams, but the fates decide our future. You think you’ll never remarry, but that thought will die with me, your first husband.
PLAYER QUEEN
May the earth refuse me food and the heavens go dark, may I have no rest day and night, may my trust and hope turn to despair—may the gloom of a prison overtake me, and may my every joy be turned to sorrow. May I know no peace either in this life or the next one, if I become a wife after I widow.
HAMLET
Nice vow, but what if she breaks it?
PLAYER KING
You have made this vow with deep sincerity. My dear, please leave me. My mind is getting foggy, and I would like to sleep and escape this endless day.
(PLAYER KING lays down to sleep)
PLAYER QUEEN
Sleep tight, and may nothing come between us.
(PLAYER QUEEN exits)
HAMLET
(to GERTRUDE)
Madam, what do you think of this play?
GERTRUDE
Methinks, the lady protests too much.
HAMLET
Oh, but she’ll keep her word.
CLAUDIUS
Do you know the plot? Is there anything offensive in it?
HAMLET
No, no, it’s just a joke, a little jibe but all-in good fun. Not offensive at all.
CLAUDIUS
What’s the play called?
HAMLET
The Mousetrap. Why, you ask? It’s a metaphor. This play is about a murder committed in Vienna. Gonzago is the duke’s name, and his wife is Baptista. You’ll see soon enough. It’s a piece of garbage, but who cares? You and I have free souls, so it doesn’t concern us. Let the guilty wince. We can watch without being bothered.
OPHELIA
You’re quite the dramaturge, aren’t you?
HAMLET
Yes, I could even give you and your lover notes if you did your little puppet show for me.
OPHELIA
Ohh, you’re sharp.
HAMLET
Pointy, but you could take the edge off me-though it might make you moan a little.
OPHELIA
You get better in your jokes, and worse in your manners.
HAMLET
That’s what you woman get when you trick us into marriage.-Let’s get started, murderer on stage, please! Damn it, stop fussing with the makeup, and get going. We’re all waiting for the revenge!
(trumpets play)
(b pantomime show begins)
(A king and queen enter and embrace lovingly.
She kneels before him and resists his passion.
He lifts her up and lays his head on her neck.
He lies down on a bank of flowers.
When she sees him sleeping, she leaves.)
BLINK
(The queen returns to find the king with a
vile by his head and becomes hysterical.
Anonymous enters with three others and calms
the queen as the king’s body is carried away.)
BLINK
(Anonymous woos the queen with gifts. The queen
is cold toward them for a while but relents and
accepts their advances.)
BLINK
(CLAUDIUS stands up)
OPHELIA
The king is getting up.
HAMLET
What—is he scared of a gun that only fired a blank?
GERTRUDE
My lord, how are you feeling?
POLONIUS
Stop the play, stop the play!
CLAUDIUS
Turn on the lights. Get me out of here!
POLONIUS
Lights, lights, get us some lights!
(everyone except HAMLET and HORATIO exits)
HAMLET
Let the deer that’s been shot go off and weep,
For some must watch while others must sleep,
That’s how the world goes.
(to HORATIO)
Do you think I can get work as an actor(if fallen on bad luck)in some company, and wear flowers on my shoes?
HORATIO
They might even give you half a share of the company.
HAMLET
No, a whole share for me.
For you know, my dearest Damon,
That Jove, King of the Gods, was
Thrown out of power here, and
Who’s in charge? A colossus pajock.
HORATIO
You could have at least rhymed better.
HAMLET
Oh, Horatio, the ghost was right, did you see?
HORATIO
Yes, I did, my lord.
HAMLET
When the actors were talking about the poison?
HORATIO
I watched him very closely.
HAMLET
Ah ha! Let’s have some music! Play your flutes!
For if the king doesn’t like the play,
Then he doesn’t like it, we may say.
Come on, music!
(ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN enter)
GUILDENSTERN
My lord, could I have a word with you?
HAMLET
You can have a whole story if you’d like.
GUILDENSTERN
Sir, the king—
HAMLET
Yes, what about him?
GUILDENSTERN
He’s in his chambers now, and he’s extremely upset.
HAMLET
An upset stomach from too much booze?
GUILDENSTERN
No sir, he’s angry.
HAMLET
You should be smart enough to tell this to a doctor, not me; if I treated him, he’d just get angrier.
GUILDENSTERN
My lord, please stick to the subject at hand.
HAMLET
I’ll be good, sir. Go ahead.
GUILDENSTERN
The queen your mother is upset, and sent me to see you.
HAMLET
It’s lovely to see you.
GUILDENSTERN
Your polite words are not to the point. If you could stop fooling around, I’ll tell you what your mother wants. If not, I’ll leave you alone and that’ll be the end of my business.
HAMLET
Sir, I can’t.
GUILDENSTERN
Can’t what, my lord?
HAMLET
Stop fooling around. My mind is confused. But I’ll do my best to give you a straight answer, as you wish—or rather, as my mother wishes. Okay, to the point. My mother,-you say?
ROSENCRANTZ
She says that your behavior has astonished her.
HAMLET
Oh, how wonderful a son to impress my mother. But what’s the upshot of her admiration? Pray tell.
ROSENCRANTZ
She wants to have a word with you in her chambers before you go to bed.
HAMLET
I’d obey even if she were my mother ten times over. Is there anything else I can do for you?
ROSENCRANTZ
My lord, you used to like me.
HAMLET
Still do, I swear by my hands.
ROSENCRANTZ
My lord, what’s wrong with you? You’re not doing yourself any good by refusing to tell your friends what’s bothering you.
HAMLET
Sir, I have no future ahead of me.
ROSENCRANTZ
How can you say that, when you’re the heir to the Danish throne?
HAMLET
Yes, eventually, but as the proverb goes, “While the sun shines. . .” But that’s a tired old proverb. Oh, a recorder! Let me see one.
(he takes a recorder and turns to ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN)
Why are you hovering so close, as if you want to ambush me?
GUILDENSTERN
Oh, my lord, I’m sorry if I’m forgetting my manners. It’s just that I’m worried about you.
HAMLET
I don’t really understand what you mean. Will you play this recorder?
GUILDENSTERN
I can’t, my lord.
HAMLET
Please.
GUILDENSTERN
I’m serious, I can’t.
HAMLET
I’m begging you.
GUILDENSTERN
I have no idea how.
HAMLET
Oh, it’s as easy as lying. Just put your fingers and thumb over the holes and blow into it, and it’ll produce the most moving music. Here, the holes are here.
GUILDENSTERN
But I can’t play a melody. I don’t know how.
HAMLET
Well, look how you play me—as if you knew exactly where to put your fingers, to blow the mystery out of me, playing all the octaves of my range—and yet you can’t even produce music from this little instrument? My God, do you think I’m easier to manipulate than a pipe? You can push my buttons, but you can’t play me for a fool.
(POLONIUS enters)
Hello and God bless you, sire.
POLONIUS
My lord, the queen wants to speak with you right away.
HAMLET
Do you see that cloud up there that looks like a wolf?
POLONIUS
By God, it does look like a wolf.
HAMLET
To me, it looks like a whale.
POLONIUS
It does have a back like a whale.
HAMLET
Or a whale-wolf.
POLONIUS
Yes, very much like a whale-wolf.
HAMLET
...I’ll go see my mother soon.
(to himself)
They’re trying as hard as they can to mess with me.—
(to Polonius)
I will go soon.
POLONIUS
I’ll tell her.
HAMLET
It’s easy enough to say “soon”.
(POLONIUS exits)
Now please leave me alone, my friends.
(everyone except HAMLET exits)
This is the time of night when witches rise, graveyards yawn open, and the stench of hell seeps out. I could drink hot blood and do such terrible deeds that people would tremble even in the daylight. But, I’ve got to go see my mother.—Don’t grow weak heart, like Nero, let me be cruel, but not inhuman. I’ll speak as sharp as a dagger but won’t use one on her. And so, my words and thoughts will be at odds.
(HAMLET exits)
(END OF SCENE)
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