Act IV
Scene 3
SETTING: Another room in the castle
POLONIUS
He’ll come right away. Make sure you lay into him. Tell him his pranks have caused too much trouble, and that Your Highness has taken a lot of heat for them. I’ll be right here, silent. Please be blunt with him.
HAMLET
(offstage)
Mother, mother, mother!
GERTRUDE
Don’t worry, I’ll do what you say. Now hide, I hear him coming.
(POLONIUS hides behind the tapestry)
(HAMLET enters)
HAMLET
What’s this all about?
GERTRUDE
Hamlet, you’ve insulted your father.
HAMLET
You’ve insulted my father.
GERTRUDE
Stop, you’re answering me foolishly.
HAMLET
You’re questioning me evilly.
GERTRUDE
Hamlet, what, why?
HAMLET
What’s the problem now?
GERTRUDE
Have you forgotten who I am?
HAMLET
For God’s sake no, I haven’t. You are the queen, your husband’s brother’s wife, and you are my mother, though I wish you weren’t.
GERTRUDE
In that case, I’ll call in others who can still speak.
HAMLET
No, sit down. You won’t budge until I hold a mirror up to you, where you will see what’s deep inside.
GERTRUDE
What are you going to do? You won’t kill me, will you? Oh God, help, help, help!
POLONIUS
(from behind the tapestry)
Hey! Help, help, help!
HAMLET
What’s this, a rat? I’ll bet a buck he’s a dead rat now.
(he stabs his sword through the tapestry and kills POLONIUS)
POLONIUS
(from behind the tapestry)
Oh, I’ve been killed!
GERTRUDE
Oh my God, what have you done?
HAMLET
I don’t know. Is it the king?
GERTRUDE
Oh, what a senseless, horrible act!
HAMLET
A horrible act—almost as bad, my good mother, as killing a king and marrying his brother.
GERTRUDE
Killing a king?
HAMLET
Ah, lady, ‘twas my word.
(he pulls back the tapestry and discovers POLONIUS)
You low-life, nosy old fool, goodbye. I thought you were someone more important. I guess you found out it’s dangerous to be a busybody.
(to GERTRUDE)
Stop wringing your hands. Sit down and let me wring your heart instead.
GERTRUDE
What have I done that you dare to talk to me this way?
HAMLET
A hypocrisy; you've replaced the blossom on the face of true love with a nasty blemish. Heaven looks down on this earth, as angry as if Judgment Day were here, and is sick at the thought of what you’ve done.
GERTRUDE
Pray tell this deed that sounds so awful even before I know what it is?
HAMLET
O shame, where is thy blush? How could you descend as low as this one? Do you have eyes? You cannot call it love, for at your age the heyday in the blood is tame, humble, and waits upon judgment.
GERTRUDE
Oh, Hamlet, stop! You’re making me look into my very soul, where the marks of sin are so thick and black they will never be washed away.
HAMLET
Yes, and you lie in the sweaty stench of your dirty sheets, wet with corruption, honeying and making love.—
GERTRUDE
Please, your words are like daggers. Please, no more, my sweet Hamlet.-
HAMLET
A murderer who took the crown from a shelf and put it in his pocket.—
GERTRUDE
-Stop!-
HAMLET
-A ragtag king!—
(the GHOST enters)
Oh, angels in heaven, protect me with your wings!—What can I do for you, my gracious lord?
GERTRUDE
Oh God, he’s mad! Hamlet’s gone completely crazy.
HAMLET
Have you come to scold your tardy son? Tell me!
GHOST
I’ve come to sharpen your somewhat dull appetite for revenge. Look, your mother is in shock. Keep her struggling soul from being overwhelmed by horrid visions. The imagination works strongest in those with the weakest bodies. Talk to her, Hamlet.
HAMLET
How are you doing, madam?
GERTRUDE
How are you doing? Staring into the empty air and talking to nobody. Your eyes give away your wild thoughts, and your hair is standing upright. Oh my dear son, calm yourself and cool off your overheated mind. What are you staring at!
HAMLET
At him! Look! Look how pale he is and how he glares at me. Preaching even at stones, he could get them to act.
(to the GHOST)
Don’t look at me like that, unless you want me to cry instead of kill.
GERTRUDE
Who are you talking to?
HAMLET
Aghast! You don’t see anything?
GERTRUDE
Nothing at all, but I can see everything that’s here.
HAMLET
And you don’t hear anything?
GERTRUDE
No, nothing but us talking.
HAMLET
Look, look how it’s sneaking away! My father, dressed just like he was when he was alive. Look, he’s going out the door right now.
(the GHOST exits)
GERTRUDE
This is only a figment of your imagination. Madness is good at creating hallucinations, Hamlet.
HAMLET
Madness? My heart beats just as evenly as yours does. There’s nothing crazy in what I’ve just uttered. Put me to the test. I’ll rephrase everything I’ve just said, which a lunatic couldn’t do. Mother, for the love of God, don’t flatter yourself into believing that it’s my madness, not your crime, that’s the problem.
GERTRUDE
You’ve broken my heart in two.
HAMLET
Habit is a terrible thing, in that it’s easy to get used to doing evil without feeling bad about it. But habit can also be a good thing, if you find what feels good. Say no to sex tonight, and that will make it easier to say no the next time, and still easier the time after that. Good night to you, I am sorry about what happened to this gentleman,
(pointing to POLONIUS)
but God has punished me with this murder, and this man with me, so I’m both Heaven’s executioner and its minister of justice. This is bad, but it’ll get worse soon.
GERTRUDE
What should I do?
HAMLET
Whatever you do, don’t do this: let the fat king seduce you into his bed again, so he can pinch your cheek, call you his bunny, and with filthy kisses and a massage of your neck with his damned fingers, make you admit that my madness is fake, all calculated. What a great idea that would be, because why would a fair, sober, wise queen hide such things from a toad, a pig, a monster like him? Who would do that? No, no, it’s much, much better to spill the beans right away, let the cat out of the bag, and break your neck in the process.
GERTRUDE
You can rest easy, since words are made of breath, and I feel too dead to breathe any of what you’ve told me.
HAMLET
You know I have to go to England, right?
GERTRUDE
I’d forgotten all about that. Yes, Hamlet, it's been decided.
HAMLET
(to himself)
Yes, the documents are ready, and my two rattlesnake schoolmates are “accompanying” me. With any luck, I’ll dig a few feet below their bombs and blow them to the moon. Kill two birds with one stone.
(points to POLONIUS)
(to GERTRUDE)
Now that I’ve killed this guy, I’ll be off in a hurry. I’ll lug his guts into the next room. Mother, have a good night. This politician who was in life a babbling idiot is now quiet and serious. Come on, sire, let’s get to the end of our business. Good night, mother.
(Hamlet exits dragging Polonius)
(END OF SCENE)
@oddmitchbrown