Act IV
Scene 4
SETTING: A room in the castle
(CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, ROSENCRANTZ, and GUILDENSTERN enter)
CLAUDIUS
These deep, heaving sighs of yours mean something is wrong. What do I need to know? Where is your son?
GERTRUDE
You wouldn’t believe what I’ve seen tonight.
CLAUDIUS
What, Gertrude? How is Hamlet?
GERTRUDE
In an insane rage, he hears something behind the tapestry, whips out his sword, shouts, “A rat, a rat!” and in his deranged state of mind, he kills poor Polonius!
CLAUDIUS
(to ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN)
Go find Hamlet. In his madness, he has killed Polonius in his mother’s bedroom. Go find him, speak nicely to him, and bring the corpse into the chapel. Please hurry.
(ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN exit)
It would’ve happened to me if I’d been there. His wildness is a threat to all of us—to you, to me, to everyone. How will we deal with this violent deed? I’m the one who will be blamed for not restraining and confining this mad young man. But I loved Hamlet so much I kept his condition secret, and let it grow more and more dangerous. Where has he gone?
GERTRUDE
To remove the corpse of the man he killed. His madness allows a glimmering of morality to shine through, like a vein of gold in a chunk of coal. He weeps for what he has done.
CLAUDIUS
Gertrude, we must go. I’m full of confusion and despair. As soon as the sun sets we’ll ship him off to England. It’ll take all my diplomatic know-how to explain and excuse the murder. Come, Gertrude, go rest and I’ll confer with our wisest friends, tell them what we’re going to do, and what terrible deed has been done already.
(GERTRUDE exits)
Rosencrantz, Guildenstern!
(ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN enter)
So, what’s happened?
ROSENCRANTZ
We can’t get him to tell us where he’s put the body.
CLAUDIUS
But where is he?
GUILDENSTERN
Outside, my lord, under guard, waiting for your orders.
CLAUDIUS
Guards!
(GUARDS enter with HAMLET)
CLAUDIUS
Now, Hamlet, where’s Polonius?
HAMLET
At dinner.
CLAUDIUS
At dinner, where?
HAMLET
Not where he’s eating, but where he’s being eaten. A certain conference of worms is chowing down on him. Worms are the emperor of all diets. We fatten up creatures to feed ourselves, and we fatten ourselves for the worms to eat when we’re dead. A fat king and a skinny beggar are just two dishes at the same meal.
CLAUDIUS
Oh no, oh no!
HAMLET
A man can fish with the worm that ate a king, and then eat the fish he catches with that worm.
CLAUDIUS
What do you mean by that?
HAMLET
Just that a king can move through the bowels of a beggar.
CLAUDIUS
Where is Polonius?
HAMLET
In heaven. Send a messenger there if you want to be sure. If your messenger can’t find him, you can check hell yourself. But seriously, if you don’t find him within the next month, you’ll be sure to smell him as you go upstairs into the main hall.
CLAUDIUS
(to GUARDS)
Go look for him there.
(GUARDS exit)
HAMLET
No need to hurry, he’s not going anywhere.
CLAUDIUS
Hamlet, I’m sending you to England for your own protection. The ship is set to sail, and your servants are waiting for you to leave.
HAMLET
To England?
CLAUDIUS
Yes, Hamlet.
HAMLET
Good.
CLAUDIUS
I’m your father, Hamlet—your father who loves you.
HAMLET
You’re my mother. When you married my mother, the two of you became one flesh, so if you’re my father you’re also my mother. Come off it, onto England!
(HAMLET exits)
CLAUDIUS
(to ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN)
I want him out of here tonight.
(ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN exit)
(CLAUDIUS writes)
Dear king of England, if you care about me at all—
then you won’t ignore my letters instructing you to kill
Hamlet immediately.
That sums it up. Seems I’ll never be happy, no matter how much luck I have.
(CLAUDIUS exits)
(ship noises)
(END OF SCENE)
INTERMISSION
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