Act V
Scene 2
SETTING: A graveyard
(HAMLET and HORATIO enter)
HAMLET
So, I came up from my cabin with my robe tied around me, groped in the dark to find what I was looking for, found it, and looked through their packet of papers. And there I found, my dear Horatio, such royal mischief—a precisely worded order, sugared with lots of talk about Denmark’s well-being and England’s too, to cut off my head, without even waiting to sharpen the ax.
HORATIO
Is it possible?
HAMLET
(shows HORATIO a document)
Here’s the document. Read it in your free time. But don’t ask me what I did.
HORATIO
Oh, please tell me.
HAMLET
-So, there I was, caught in their evil net. I sat down and wrote out a new document in a bureaucrat’s neat handwriting. I used to think knowing cursive was useless, like our scholars and politicians, but I worked hard to overcome those types of prejudice—and it came in quite handy. Want to know what I wrote?
HORATIO
Yes, my lord.
HAMLET
A sincere plea from the king who commands the respect of England, and who hopes that the love between the two countries can flourish, and peace can join them in friendship—and other fancy mumbo jumbo like that—saying that, once the document is read, and without debate, the ones delivering the letter will be put to death, without time to confess.
HORATIO
But how did you put an official seal on it?
HAMLET
Heaven helped me with that too. I had my father’s signet ring with the royal seal of Denmark on it. I folded the new document, signed it, sealed it, and put it back so that no one noticed any difference. The next day we had our fight at sea, and you know what happened after that.
HORATIO
So Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are done?
HAMLET
Done, done, done. But don’t feel bad for them. They got exactly what they deserved. It’s always dangerous when little people get caught in the crossfire of mighty opponents.
HORATIO
Claudius is such a king!
HAMLET
Is it not my duty to kill him? This man who killed my king, made my mother a whore, took my rightful throne, and set a trap to kill me. And wouldn’t I be damned if I let this monster live to do more harm?
HORATIO
He’ll find out soon what happened in England.
HAMLET
Soon, but I have the meantime.
(OSRIC enters with his hat in hand)
OSRIC
Welcome back to Denmark, my lord.
HAMLET
Thank you kindly, sir.
(whispers to HORATIO)
Do you know this insect?
HORATIO
(whispers to HAMLET)
No, my lord.
HAMLET
(whispers to HORATIO)
You’re lucky, since knowing him is most unpleasant. He’s a chough, but owns a lot of good land. Give an animal a lot of money, and he’ll be welcome at the king’s table.
OSRIC
My lord, if you have a free moment, I have a message from His Majesty.
HAMLET
I’ll hang on every word you say. Put your hat back on, where it belongs: it’s for your head, not for your hands to hold.
OSRIC
No thank you, my lord. It’s very hot.
HAMLET
No, I’m telling you, it’s very cold, with a northerly wind.
OSRIC
It is rather cold, indeed, my lord.
HAMLET
And yet I feel it’s very hot and humid, which is bad for my complexion.
OSRIC
Yes indeed it is, sir. Very humid, I can’t tell you how humid it is. My lord, His Majesty wanted me to tell you that he’s placed a large bet on you. This is what it’s all about.—
HAMLET
Please, I beg you.
(points to OSRIC ’s hat)
OSRIC
No, my lord, I’m comfortable like this, thank you. Sir, there’s someone named Laertes who’s recently come to the court. He’s an absolute gentleman, he’s so outstanding in so many respects, very easy in society, and displaying all his excellent qualities. If I were to expose my true feelings about him, I’d have to say he’s like a business card for the upper classes—he’s that wonderful. You’ll find that he’s the sum total of what a perfect gentleman should be.
HAMLET
Sire, your description of him doesn’t detract from his good qualities, though—to speak the absolute truth—he can find an equal only when he gazes into a mirror. Anyone else is just a pale copy of him.
OSRIC
You speak absolutely correctly, sir.
HAMLET
And what’s the point, sir? Why are we talking about him like this?
OSRIC
Sorry, sir?
HORATIO
(whispers to HAMLET)
Can’t you talk to him in a different way?
HAMLET
(to OSRIC)
What is the significance of referring to this individual?
OSRIC
Laertes, you mean?
HAMLET
(whispers to HORATIO)
All of his fancy talk has finally run out; his pockets are empty.
(to OSRIC)
Yes, Laertes, sir.
OSRIC
I know you know something.
HAMLET
Thanks for the compliment, I’m happy you know that. But in fact it doesn’t say much. I’m sorry, you were saying?
OSRIC
I know you know something about how excellent Laertes is.
HAMLET
-I can’t admit that, since you’d have to compare his excellence to mine. But knowing a person well is a bit like knowing oneself.
OSRIC
-Excellent in fencing, I mean, sir. His reputation in fencing is unrivaled.
HAMLET
What kind of weapons does he use?
OSRIC
The rapier and the dagger.
HAMLET
Those are only two of his weapons. But, go on.
OSRIC
The king has bet six Barbary horses, and he has prepared six French rapiers and daggers with all their accessories. Three of the carriages are very imaginatively designed, and they match the fencing accessories.
HAMLET
What do you mean by “carriages”?
HORATIO
(whispers to HAMLET)
I knew you’d have to look something up in the dictionary before we were finished.
OSRIC
The carriages, sir, are the hangers—where the swords hang.
HAMLET
Why has all this been put on the table?
OSRIC
The king, sir, has bet that in a dozen rounds between you and Laertes, he won’t beat you by more than three hits. You could get started immediately if you’ll give me your answer.
HAMLET
But what if my answer’s no?
OSRIC
I mean, if you’d agree to play against Laertes, sir.
HAMLET
Sir, I’m going to go walk in the hall whether the king likes it or not. It’s my exercise time. Bring on the swords, I’ll have the king win his bet if Laertes is still willing to go through with it. If not, I’ll only have suffered some embarrassment and a few sword hits.
OSRIC
Shall I quote you in those exact words, sir?
HAMLET
Just get the point across, however flowery you want to be.
OSRIC
My services are at your command.
HAMLET
Thank you.
(OSRIC exits)
It’s a sickness Horatio. Like so many successful people in these trashy times—he’s patched together enough fancy phrases and trendy opinions to carry him along. But blow a little on their bubbly talk, and it’ll burst.
HORATIO
Quacks are usually half-hatched.
HAMLET
There’s no substance here. I’ll do whatever the king wants. If he’s ready now, so am I.
HORATIO
You’re going to lose my lord.
HAMLET
I don’t think so. I’ve been fencing consistently since he went off to France. But I have a sinking feeling anyway. Oh well.
HORATIO
Wait, my lord—
HAMLET
I know I’m being foolish, but I have the kind of vague misgiving women often get.
HORATIO
If something is telling you not to play, listen to it. I’ll say you’re not feeling well.
HAMLET
You’ll do no such thing! I thumb my nose at superstitions. What’s important is to be prepared. Since nobody knows anything about what they leave behind, then what does it mean to leave early? Let it be Horatio.
(HAMLET exits)
(END OF SCENE)
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